Things Not To Get For Your Valentine Sweetheart

Valentine's Day is almost upon us so remember not to be stupid and save yourself some pain and grief

For Him:

1. Avoid soaps, lotions, potions, anything that smells like candy. Unless it's actually candy.

2. Flowers. He just doesn't understand why you would buy him something that he has to a) nurture and b) nurture. If you simply must, a cactus might pass--but remember, he wants a gift that can take care of itself.

3. Unfun tools. Yeah, he gets it. You want him to shovel the snow. Do not buy him a shovel to drive the point home. (Large noisemaking power tools excluded.)

4. Dinner. It's a blatant cop-out. Saving him the 80 bucks does not a romantic gesture make. A gift should come in a box. (Unless it is a kitty or a pup, which are other things you should not get him. See rule #2).

5. An electric razor. If he wanted one, he would have bought it for himself (and of all the gadgets, this is not likely one he's coveting). Ask yourself: Do you want him to buy you a razor?

6. Boxer shorts. To men, they're truly utilitarian. No frills. No styles. (Same goes for socks.)

7. A tie. Dude, he's not your dad. So unless you plan to tie him up with it and give him his real present, ditch the old standard.

For Her:

1. Anything that even remotely implies that she is not physically perfect: gym memberships, Botox, diet plan subscriptions, self help books and the like.

2. A bathing suit. Unless it comes with a trip to the Bahamas, she does not want your input on this personal matter. What's more, you're likely to give her an anxiety attack when she thinks about trying it on (especially after the great binge/food fest with the in-laws that were the Holidays 2007).

3. Toys. Women usually do not want video games. We might occasionally like to kick your butt in Wii, but that does not mean we want Street Fighter II (or whatever game it is you're playing). Also, your avatar is lame.

4. Homemade coupons. Whether they're for dish duty, garbage duty, dinner, or something else, she's not likely to be impressed. Did your high school girlfriend even use hers?

5. A gift certificate. Step it up with something a little more personal--unless it's for 300 dollars and you can't wait to take her to the store and shop. All day.

6. Food. Unless you're the Iron Chef or Francois Payard, skip anything home-baked. When her friends ask what you got her for V-day, she does not want to have to regurgitate. Literally.

7. A magazine subscription. Bo-ring.

8. Tickets to the "big game." Hate to break it to you, but when she said she loved football, she was lying. Save the sports stuff for your buddies.

9. A DVD box set of your favorite show. You've both already seen every episode. It will just accumulate dust with the rest of the collection.

10. Same goes for CDs. Hello, iTunes.

11. Appliances. Every man has made this guffaw. Just because she says, "I need a new vacuum" does not mean you should buy her a vacuum.

12. Any gift you once bought for an ex-girlfriend. She will find out--and punish you.

Does that sound like a Happy Valentine's Day to you?