Funny Quotes

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?"

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.