Apple Tablet Live blog Comment ( Very Funny )

I heard that Jason Calacanis has an Apple tablet that is powered entirely by an encapsulated ego dynamo that orbits the black hole in his brain where most people have a sense of humor

Abu Dhabi, I Thought This was Part of the Modern World

Well I have been here about 4 days now and I have found some disturbing realities of life here, Skype is banned Flickr photo storage site is banned, Chat and video chat is banned on messenger, They require so many medical checks to get a work permit that you have to be a monk to pass, You cannot have a camera of any sort with you in any work site, not even on a laptop, if you want to take a laptop then you are expected to allow the authorities to check all files contained within, so no beach shots of your wife as that may be declared as porn, I feel like I am in Communist Russia, I can get a beer if I wish but I cannot chat with my wife on messenger. Total bullshit.

Crsis, What Crisis but we are in Abu Dhabi

I have been here for two days, having to undergo many medical tests just to obtain a travel pass out to Das Island, The main centre of oil and gas operations for the whole of Abu Dhabi. I have had two chest x-rays which are something I try to avoid as they are not good for you, blood taken at two different centers and urine and stools samples handed over, giving a stool sample is pretty revolting, far worse than changing nappies for babies, but at least with all these medical tests i can prove i am a pretty healthy specimen. When i arrived i wasn't sure what to expect of the city, not sure if the crisis has hammered this free spending Arab kingdom. I can say without contradiction that this city is far from suffering a crisis. It is still in the middle of a crazy building boom that will be going on for a few years yet. It is far smaller than i expected with basically just a small downtown area I didn't see many houses or villas, perhaps everyone lives in apartments, not something i am keen on at all. But I am not likely ever to get a job offer for this town. The traffic is just horrific and the 6 lane roads through the city are shockingly full and full of nice expensive cars, not what you would expect in a crisis.

The Corniche is OK with nice gardens and water features



The Main Avenue is nicely laid out but the traffic is horrific

Visa Photograph for United Arab Emirates

I am off to work in the UAE and I had to submit some white background passport style photos for the Visa, it took about a week to get the visa which I thought for a rush job was far too long. When the visa was mailed to me to print I was shocked by the photo that has been used, I couldn't hardly recognise myself. The head has been transplanted onto the shoulders of someone with a jacket and tie, I haven't worn a tie in 10 year, the hair was the funniest, it seems they have painted it black, maybe it didn't show up very well for the scan, so I look like a poor migrant worker from India with a cheap suit and dyed black hair, I was hysterical when it arrived, I don't think they will let me into the country as it really only just resembles me. Anyway, I travel tomorrow to Abu Dhabi and some warmer temps finally. I hate winter i will have to relocate again to get permanent all year round warm weather, rain no problem just the fact my toes are cold pisses me off.

Does this really look like me

200 mph on a Sheet of Plastic

This last saturday we had a family trip to the Sierra Nevada mountain range and it has well established ski resorts, we went to the biggest that has a kids park

The Ski resort of Sierra Nevada



The boy wanted to go skiing without any practice and was sad to hear he wasn't allowed to go 250 mph down the hill without training. The trip there was uneventful but everyone else within a 500Km range also thought it was a good idea to go as the weather has turned for the better with sunshine and warm winds, the queue of traffic was just incredible, we had to park about 2 Km away on a mountain road and walk down, it was actually a nice walk as you got to see parts of the town you normally wouldn't see. The kids park was empty and when we asked about the rides the slide on an inner-tube was out of action but no discount, cheap bastards!.

Emma on the scooter



Paulo on the lame scooter and very expensive



The kids went on a found it was pretty tame and not much fun as it was a straight line down the hill taking 25 seconds, but the ride up took 5 minutes on a belt that was slower than a slug. the kids were frustrated and cranky, we went for a roast chicken lunch, which was OK but huge and we all felt better for that, afterwards while we were trying to get the kids to relax while the food was digesting,

Kids pretending to relax



Me trying to relax



Emma just winding up and missing teeth still



we went for a small walk at the side of the restaurant and we found many folks just walking up the hillside past a sign indication danger. the hillside was part of the lower ski runs and basically empty, there were a few kids with plastic bags sliding down a lower part of the hill and a few teenagers going higher up and a few more 20 somethings sliding down on big sheets from the upper part of the slope and getting a good speed on, I thought the kids would enjoy this so I jumped into a skip and pulled out three large black plastic bags, and we all got into the slope, the first thing the little girl did was climb to the top of the big slope with the 20ish folks and went down as fast as she could and she was zooming along and screaming at the top of the voice in between the laughs, we all kept going up and down as fast as our legs would carry us until we were all exhausted.

Emma going crazy on the slopes



Emma and Me Going Crazy together



Then we had to think about how we were going to get even more thrills, the side of the hill in the shade was very steep, and really icy, there were a few crazy folks climbing up about 50 meters and then jumping off like some ski jumpers and sliding down on there ski pants, I thought this would give me more thrills than a Kg of Coke. I climbed higher then anyone and pulled on my black plastic diaper and jumped off like Batman, I hit 200 mph in 3 seconds. when i got to the bottom my boots hit the snow and i sprayed everyone within 50 meters with a giant plume of snow, i was soaked to the skin, but it was fun, it blew out the winter cobwebs,

Me on the Slope, very icy and dangerous



Me creating the snow Plume at 200 mph



I did one more and crashed at the bottom in a fireball of corkscrews and spun round on my head to the sound of laughter of all watching, that was me done for the day, it took another hour to walk back to the car and another 90 minutes for the drive home, the day after I was so stiff, like I had run a marathon, but it was fun.

Tapas Bar Assault

We are taking the little girl to the swimming pool for some extra training, luckily the pool is heated to 30C and there are not many people in so for her it is nice. To while away the 1 hour she takes we went for a walk around the town and found a small bar, it is empty as it is 7PM and so we sat at the bar and asked for a healthy beer, he gave us a large bowl of olives as a Tapas, just as a starter, he then prepared a large plate of cheese, cured ham and tomatoes with a large basket of bread and bread sticks, which I thought was perfect as a meal with the healthy beer, he then brought out a soup in a small cup, after making sure we liked it he then went away and cooked a beefburger with ham and more cheese as a desert to go with the extra beer I had to buy to wash down all the food. This was an insane amount of food for just a snack, we only had an hour and i had to rush down my beer at the end for having so much food to eat. It was great but the man had too much time on his hands dealing with just me and Jenny, I will go again friday night as Emma will be swimming again.

Just having a meal with myself and a table full of food

Back in The Fast Lane

Well after the 4th of January I became fully available for posting around the world, I was expecting a fast deployment as there are always far too many jobs and not many guys, I heard nothing for a week, I was getting worried so I mailed the office and even rang them asking what was about, they reassured me not to worry and that there was lots of work. So last week they finally asked me if i would take the service managers job in Equatorial guinea, this I accepted as it is a place i have worked and it is a not so long flight and warm , I like warm. so Monday today i was rang by the manager and told the visa for EG will take 4 weeks so would I mind going to the United Arab Emirates to Das Island to do a start up, so yeh I don't mind going to some new place in the warm, ( I have just googled and found it will be 20C, this is better than here, So within a few days I have gone from Africa to middle east, we will see if i end up somewhere else.

I was just thinking about the new body scanners that scan you with millimeter waves and reveal your body shapeand full contours through your clothes, I am happy as I have lost some weight over the last 3 months and have no fear but for the unfortunate fatties around who have been gorging on full fat cream and pies all christmas they will look pretty silly with their fat ass showing in the scan. All will be revealed




Back to normal then and a Happy New Year.

The Crazy Weather Here In Spain

For the last couple of weeks the weather has been going crazy here in Spain, We have had to postpone many things until we had a break in the rain. It has been raining like the tropics for the last 3 weeks, apart from the odd day here and there. The rain has filled all the half empty reservoirs and washed all the trash out of the rivers and along with the crazy ploughing of the fields under the Olive trees it has washed a mountain of dirt onto the roads as the erosion of the fields fills all the ditches and drains at the side of the roads. Last night we even had snow after 24 hours of solid rain. The weather of the entire continent has gone bonkers, I was glad to be told I am going to be working in Equatorial Guinea again at the end of January and be able to feel the sun on my face once more, Global warming my ass, the cold isn't a product of global warming it is a product of global cooling, they are just trying to fool everyone to get us to spend more and more money on trying to boost flagging industries. When i finally get out of the house we may go and take some pictures and post them as my next entry