The Last Day In Peru

Drinking in Lima is an interesting exercise, it usually involves going to some very well known and not dangerous spot that is full of young and trendy noisy children basically. They all look like kids to me these days. So I called my Peruvian work buddy and he was in Lima and ready for a beer. I was happy again, I could go and eat some nice food and take a beer and see some of Lima. He picked me up at the hotel and drove about 15 minutes out to the beach area, it was a hilltop scene overlooking a bay with a giant crucifix dotted with bright lights at the top, it looked so silly almost like a movie scene. This place he took me was a haunt of painters and artists and all very oldy worldy, very nice actually and as it was old , no roads just pathways which along you walk, we went for a beer in this all open totally wooden restaurant and sat and talked shop all night, but mostly laughing at many things and many people, we ordered some food that turned out to be very average and not that good but who cares we had a good night and I had a few beers that tasted like an Angels tears. So that was my last night in Peru probably for a long time, we promised to visit each other and I hope that happens but as we know in this game we never know where we are going to end up and when we are going to have time to do anything ever. it has been an interesting time in Peru, I have learnt many things about operations on a gas plant and realised that I don’t like operations, I need installation and commissioning as that feeds my need to be active and to keep away from the customer, they are typically useless and are driven by saving money and keeping running even though it may be unsafe and may cost them tons of money if you have a catastrophic failure, just because they wanted to save some time. So I am now going to fly out of here have a nice long holiday and then I will find out where I am going in the next adventures of the Blogging Engineer Goes Wild in the Universe.

Last Day Ever In The Jungle

Well today is the day I have been waiting for 29 days, I am finally leaving Peru and this jungle camp for good, I have said my goodbyes, it was a little more emotional than I imagined it would be. People were genuinely saying a fond farewell, I was almost touched but I was more interested in getting my bags packed and getting on the plane in 1 hours time. I have completed my rounds and done my final paperwork and spoke to my wife letting her know I was skipping round the office with excitement of leaving, I may even get a beer in Lima with one of the engineers who is also on vacation at home in Lima. I love this job, so much technology and great troubleshooting and lots of responsibility but the only and immense drawback is the remoteness of working in jungle camps or desert camps or offshore oil platforms they are miserable and full of ugly men. I want to be able to get home after a long day at work and be able to dress up and go out for a beer or a pizza and go to the cinema and drive a car or anything I want to do, be a normal human being, as normal as I can be, Just like most folks. I admit I get paid well for this but not enough to treat me like a prisoner in an open prison. I am just desperate to get a project where I can live in a city and be normal and hopefully take my wife, I am thinking outside the box of my main contracting company and applying for jobs in the middle east where it is married status and I can be a Mr Average with a swimming pool of course. Hallelujah Lima here I come.

Clearing the Desk and Packing All My Shit

Today has been the first day of my leaving, I am clearing my desk and organising my travel out of here, sending messages of thanks to guys who I have worked with. It has brought a little joy to my daily routine and as the turbines are working OK, I am not rushing about like a blue assed fly. I still do not have any information about my new project after this, I am not available for another 5 weeks anyway, just before my contract expires so that could be a point of concern. I have been shooting off many applications for different projects around the world to see if I can jump onto a big project out in the Middle East for a few years with my wife. The one in particular I liked was one in Kuwait and was married status with a good wad for housing allowance and the money was as good as if not better than what I am on now and for only a 48 hour week, so I was very interested in that one, we will see how that pans out, gold or dust. Let me outta here i deserve a beer.

Jolie In New Movie

Not so glamourous this movie business

European Commission Creates Euro Language

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Nestle Boycott

Desperation Setting In

It is typical that when you just want a peaceful last few days of the rotation here in the jungle, everything is determined to make it hard and difficult and as tiresome as possible. We started the units a couple of days ago and I have had nothing but problems, a temperature probe telling me the unit is so hot it would cook a steak no problem, and then other telling me there are no flames inside the turbine, the lying bastard. Then the fuel valves started playing up giving me error messages, oh man it was frustrating and they think I know all the reasons for the faults, I am not a mind reader. I struggle on from one day to the next hoping that I don’t get more problems, I only have 3 more days left and I want to be able to relax and not get all stressed about being here anymore than I am already. I am trying the job application thing again to help boost my spirits, I apply for jobs that I know I am not really qualified or experienced enough for as they all sound really nice, I imagine myself getting some fancy project managers job in Indonesia or Papua New Guinea, I dream that I only work 40 hours a week and I only have a 20 minute drive in the company SUV, and have a swimming pool and barbecue and a house maid to do all the cooking, it all sounds so heavenly, then I am brought back to earth as my units here have tripped again or someone wants some training or I am trying to help some old fart with their computer and he doesn’t believe me when I tell him I haven’t touched the thing that is missing or doesn’t work on his computer. Why is it me that has to deal with this sort of crap, or am I being spoiled thinking I should have lots of lackys doing all the menial things for me. It is an age thing, the older I get the more intolerant of peoples incompetence, the more fragile I become with the never ending inadequacies of idiots and simpletons I am forced to work with, that is why I think I am worth $150,000 a year plus car and house and no tax, yes I am dreaming very badly and getting desperate.

my dream house somewhere tropical with no dangerous locals

Countdown has Really Begun, 4 Days Left

I have had a shutdown to deal with this last week and I had three guys come to site to carry out the supervision of the plant, There were two old fart Italians and my site colleague who my boss made come to site even though he was on holiday. So there were three Italians together in a small office, there was more shouting and arm waving than I had seen in my entire life. it made my brain ache to have to share the room with them. The oldest guy was the worst. The main reason for that was he shouted when talking and demanded all the time for things he needed or wanted, demanded of me as though I was like his assistant, he would point and say do this and do that, he sounded like my dad, this was compounded by the fact he looked just like my dad also, totally grey hair and small and wrinkly and that typical bad breath of old farts who never clean their teeth. I was more desperate for them to leave rather than this trip to finish for me. I think they were shouting more because after 40 years of working on turbines they were totally deaf, I just hope I don’t go the same way. I am aiming to retire early and become a beach bum or bar owner, same thing really. I am fully charged up for leaving this place in 4 days, my life has to take a big leap into getting better if I get some activities after work, this is just like goddam prison without the forced sex with bubba, the dysfunctional goat herder with Downs syndrome and splayed teeth who makes you squeal like his pet pig. Actually that would be better than what I have now, crazy alarms clocks and toilets flushing all hours and people running in corridors of accommodation that has walls of rice paper that actually work like a sound amplifier. Please God make it stop and let me go to work somewhere hard and demanding that makes me feel happy. Iraq for instance or Libya or Algeria, anywhere other than the jungle of Peru again.

I would prefer to share a cell with Bubba than spend 1 more trip in Peru

I am better than your kids.

If you work in an office with lots of people, chances are that you work with a person who hangs pictures up that their kids have drawn. The pictures are always of some stupid flower or a tree with wheels. These pictures suck; I could draw pictures much better. In fact, I can spell, do math and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of children, I've taken the liberty to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A through F for each piece:




First of all, I don't even know what this is. If it's supposed to be a dog, then it's the shittiest dog I've ever seen. F




You spelled America wrong asshole. Also, I could have sworn America's colors were red, white and blue. There's no yellow anywhere, traitor.F




Holy shit, I almost had a seizure when I saw this one. Three words: too many colors. Also, eggs aren't supposed to have ears, dipshit.F




This one wouldn't be too bad if the color was kept inside the lines, you picked a new perspective, used non-abrasive colors and asked someone with talent to paint it for you. On one hand I want to give an A for effort but... F

More crappy children's art work

The premise: I can draw better, spell better, and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of children, I've taken the liberty to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A through F for each piece:




Ding Ding! Here comes the shit-mobile. I've never seen a fire truck that needed to be shaved. I would rather be burned to death than be saved by this hairy piece of shit. F




That's interesting, everyone in this picture is white. Even the rainbow is white. Perhaps in an ideal world, everyone would be white isn't that right, Rachel? Or should I call you RACIST? Nice try, Hitler. F




This one would receive an "A" if the assignment was to throw as much random shit onto a paper as poorly as you can. I've pissed patterns on snow that look more coherent than this. F




Vrrrroooooooooooommmmmm! F




This was a Christmas gift from Kelly to her parents. Good job Kelly, now pack up your shit and find a foster home. If my kids tried to pass this off as a gift, they'd come home from school and find all their shit outside in a box. What a lousy gift, seriously. You give them video games and toys, and they give you some half-assed drawing with a crooked tree. I wonder how much a gift like this would set someone back. Five, maybe ten minutes to find a napkin and some markers? F

I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MUCH I RULE

5 Very Important Corporate Lessons For Corporate Climbers

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson 2

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?",The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek. Further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story : If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of PinaColadas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Corporate Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very high up.


Corporate Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed, the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull."They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up and not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM!
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM now severely upsets, rather than settles, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid. Not for
condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never
going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
(absolutely!)
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

The Pope has to Worry

Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry...please warn the
Pope!!

The Men's Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the feminine side. OK - now hear the guys' side. These are our rules! Please note ...these are ALL numbered "1" for a reason!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the Football, and Beer.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

Tell Me if My Desire For Muscular Women is Normal

Let me know if you think that my desire for muscular women is unhealthy, I just love shapely muscular women, they are full of power and vitality, I see it nothing other than pure lust and quite normal, OK, I know that they are bigger than me but the thought of being between the sheets with a powerful women is such a turn on for me, I don’t like the big veins when they are pumped up but normally they just look so much nicer than a big lardy ass, plus they would eat healthier and not complain about walking and being outdoors and doing sporty pursuits so it would be a winner all round. Just tell me I am normal please.

I think they look so sexy

Beware Horny Mooses on Loose

Never Complain About Your Kids Again

If you think your kids are bad, it can always get worse so be grateful for small mercies

Goddam Cellphone Alarm

Look this place is killing me, there is nothing to do, I have to eat chicken every meal, the tv is shite, now even my wifes cellphone has died and I have no one to call. This is leading to serious mental issues, I am about to go postal as a girl in my accommodation block has an alarm that plays from any hour she thinks she needs waking as it takes 2 hours for her to wake up from the alarm , the alarm goes of at 3.50am, I am a terrible sleeper and once I am awake after 2.00am that is me done, so I am laid awake listening to her alarm playing every 10 minutes as she doesn’t wake up and it is on snooze function, I was going to start beating on her door and shouting, but that would wake everyone up in the block as the walls are made of tissue paper, I can hear people snoring two rooms away, the beds are metal framed and squeak when people roll over, waking me up again, this alarm thing is probably the most irritating thing happening to me here ever. I have told her myself and I got the camp engineering manager to tell her to switch the goddam alarm off, what is it with these idiots, turn off the alarm you f*°king moron. There could be a missing person on this site and they would find them buried in the jungle, found at 3.50am by the sound of a cell phone playing a f*°king stupid jingle every 10 minutes on snooze function. If I ever get a camp job given to me again I think I would quit, my brain is hurting for the problems it creates.

This Picture Just Cracks Me up

Just tickles me pink this picture

Sorry not much to blog other than the wifes cell phone is dead and now i cannot talk to the wife as after 3 years i still do not have a land line to my house, i hope Costa Rica will soon adopt the central american free trade agreement and abolish all government monopolies including the telephone service ICI, they are crap and expensive

The Things We Have to Tolerate

Every night when I go to the restaurant, more like a roadside diner and I only go because I am hungry and need food and I don’t have a choice of places to eat, I walk in and they have the selection of food on offer on display under cling film. I always groan inside as I look at the dishes offered up as food for the masses. Always a soup, which to be truthful is very nice. There is always rice and beans with everything, we are feeding hard working people as well as the office loafers. The protein is always big cubes of stewed beef and chicken. I am at the point of never being able to eat chicken ever again, I have eaten more chicken in the months I have worked here than I ever care to think about again. I cannot bear to eat it again while I am working here, it is on the menu every single meal time including breakfast as they have chicken in the soup everyday, god almighty I will be growing feathers and crowing first thing in the morning if I eat anymore goddam chicken. Please give me a prawn curry I will be a good boy today if you give me a prawn curry.

Handy Phrases For the Intelligencia

TESTICULATING.

Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks (Balls)

BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER.

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS.

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY.

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM.

An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING.

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs.

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD.

single working girls Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY.

A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE.

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" -needless paperwork and processes.

OHNOSECOND.

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake ( e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSHIT.

Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the toilet. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies

AEROPLANE BLONDE.

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

BEER COAT.

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS.

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS.

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the
badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES.

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH.

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS.

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI.

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

PEARLHARBOUR.

Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor" out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO BUM.

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks

SALAD DODGER.

An excellent phrase for an overweight person

TART FUEL.

Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women

Is the World Such a Miserable Place

What sort of world is we live in when so many people commit suicide, surely life as bad as it can be in some miserable places in the world still isn’t that bad that death is a better option. The latest figures from the WHO show some chilling figure, Japan's suicide rate was 24.1 per 100,000 people in 2000, compared with 39.4 in Russia and 10.4 in the United States. Mental illness is a terrible thing and can be triggered by many thing, abuse as a child or just genetics. But for there to be so many people in Russia wanting to kill themselves must point to some reasons about the life people lead in Russia. We all know that it can be a cold place to live and personally the thought of living in Siberia is probably enough to push me over the edge. The long cold winter nights with only a potato and a bottle of Vodka to keep you company is seriously depressing. No real food and no money and no real ale and probably no cheese of any distinction is just enough to suck the will to live right out of you, I did also read somewhere that Russia is the only industrialised country in the world that the life expectancy is falling and not increasing, something to do with crappy food and plenty of Vodka, a typical snack with a large vodka is a glob of salty pork fat, wonderful.
But on the other hand a country like Japan hardly fits into this category, lots of nice food some saki and a few beers I believe, so life should be good and happy, lots of good jobs and plenty of money, but that is also the reason for the misery, everyone in Japan is expected to perform and get a good job and be good looking and happy but the pressure is not for everyone and many underperformers take the long miserable walk to mount Fuji to hang themselves from the trees on the mountain. This world is pushing everyone passed the snapping point, they are having mass suicides in Japan now, crazy and crazier. What happened to the lovely world of village life and a few real ales down the tavern with your neighbours and a relaxed lifestyle that gives everyone what they want. The catholic church is what happened, we get all these edicts telling all to have as many children as they can, the world will be a sea of seething children, with nowhere to live and no job prospects and no future. Will we see the first million mass suicide, a live televised event with celebrity interviewers, a bit like American Idol with the best suicide of the night, or big brother even where you watch from behind two way mirrors.
Personally I am just looking forward to my next project and feeling a little miserable having to work here like a hermit without any creature comforts and getting constant demands for assistance on trivial items like part numbers for gawds sake. Perhaps I am made of more solid stuff to not let this shite get me down but it still sucks to joy out my daily routine. So smile you miserable bastards.

Jobs and Money and Naughty Boys

I spent a rainy afternoon last week shooting off resumes to agencies all over the world, I wasn’t expecting much out of it but my wife had a very excited man on the telephone demanding to speak to me, she did explain to him that I was working in Peru in a camp and he probably wouldn’t be able ring me as I am not normally at my desk. Well he finally accepted this explanation and just mailed me, demanding that I call him back immediately. As there is a 11 hour time difference to Singapore I missed him by a day, so the next day I rang him and we spoke for a short while and he told me a competitor gas turbine company was hiring staff for south Asia working on a 28 day rotation as I am now and he was offering a great deal of money. I was quite shocked and very happy at the same time, after we spoke me was doing the mental arithmetic, about how many days working and hours working and making those totals that make you think about buying a new Porsche sports car. I couldn’t quite believe it and wanted it to be true so I crafted a nice e-mail asking him to clarify the amounts of money he was talking about, it was like $80 an hour worked and all time off was like $1000 a week, this was too good to be true, and yes the next day he mailed me back telling me that the figures he had been given were incorrect, the salary was about right but the hours worked total was wrong by about half, I was deflated again, I was spending all the money before I had gotten it into my grubby sweaty hands, I don’t want to work offshore again anyway and if the money is the same or less than what I am making now then what is the point, I can get a nice comfortable job where I can take my wife and live a happy life for a while, flying in helicopters is bad for the body, all far too stressful and bad for the Karma. So I settled into expecting a poor offer from the afore mentioned gas turbine maker and carried on with my slow slow job.
We are still shutdown from the pipeline blast and the company is losing maybe $10 million a week from being shutdown, and the government is still talking about pulling the licence to operate. People are starting to twitch about the future prospects for working here.
Today I had a powerpoint sent to me that showed probably one of the most gruesome pictures I have seen in a long time. This criminal had been running away from the police and jumped over a wall without looking first and he jumped onto a spikey railing. The problem was the spike entered his head and his body just dead weighted against the head and actually was torn free, leaving the head London Bridge Style on a spike on the railings. Quite unbelievable. Now it just goes to prove the point that you should always “look before you leap”. What ever he was doing to be chased by the police, he will not be doing it anymore.

Looking Forward to My Holiday in Mainland Europe in Spring and The Cheese I Can Eat There

I am now only 14 days to having a new project and leaving Peru for good. It is a nice feeling to have a new project coming along. New people and new things to see and new experiences, I even had a chat with a recruiter who was looking for site managers for a competitor company but they were paying too cheap and I refused work as it was probably offshore. So I am planning my new chapter of my life with a new holiday touring Europe in my old car that I haven’t driven in 2 years or more. I am planning to take a slow drive across France and into Spain and spend a few days at my old house, I am going to finally give the order to sell and sign all the paperwork. I am hoping the weather is a little warmer when I get there as it is still the end of winter and could be nasty. I am hoping to have a nice relaxed drive and see some nice things and eat some nice food and drink a little wine eat some cheese that doesn’t look and taste like white rubber. One thing I miss is a nice cheese, I sound a little like Wallace from the cartoons Wallace and grommet. A nice cheese and a dry red wine, especially if it one of those very cheap ones in a carton from the Carrefore supermarket, that was cheap and nice. I have driven through France a few times but only like a nutcase to get to Spain and back, I think I have missed many nice things and spending time in those sleepy little towns sounds nice to me. My brother goes there many times a year on the long weekend drive over on the tunnel, but the cheap bastards want real money if you want to stay 2 weeks, like $300, not the $75 he pays. So I am going on the ferry, should be like half price. The important thing is getting the car ready to do such a drive after 2 years in hibernation. I do not know what needs doing and what needs replacing and if it will stand up to the arduous task of speeding across Europe in early spring. But it is good that it is a nice French car, it will cost me less to get fixed if I breakdown there.

Could be what me and wife will look next month

How To Carry 500 Movies and 20,000 Music Tracks Without Scrathing The Discks

How do you carry 500 movies and 20,000 tracks of music, easy buy a huge hard drive and convert all your movies to MP4 with nero recode qand convert your music to Mp3 with whatever music ripper you want. The prices are dropping like crazy, all you need is get a huge HDD, a caddy to put it in , very cheap is you know where to buy and an adaptor that will convert the HDD connection which is IDE to USB, again you can buy these on Ebay for peanuts. Total cost , somewhere in the $150 for 300 GB, it is cheaper than copying to DVD and I never get scratched disks ever.
But whatever you do don’t drop them, they don’t like it and will never work again, just like my buddy Zac did to two of his back up devices, and like another buddy Davey Jackson did well actually he threw his Ipod at the wall in temper, they don’t like that either. If you need any help in the software instruction then just drop me a line and i will support you the best i can from Peru.



Just click the picture to get a bigger clearer picture


Just click the picture to get a bigger clearer picture


Just click the picture to get a bigger clearer picture

Death of a Project

Yesterday was a potential death sentence for this pioneering project in the jungle. There was an explosion and subsequent fire at a pumping station on the pipeline from the plant to Lima. The only information I have is probably the same as everyone else, there have been reports even in the Reuters news agency stating “It could have been sabotage”. The problem was compounded by the fact a report has just been released showing that the company that installed it had used old pipe left over from other projects and was corroded and the welding was substandard. I cannot make any comment on that but the evidence of 5 line breaks in 18 months is just a shocking revelation. I have never heard of so many breaks on a new line. The government had already put the company on notice that if any more breaks occurred then they would revoke the operating licence and then we got yesterdays news. Most people here think the government wouldn’t pull the plug as there is too much money at stake but there is so much political power being thrown about from all corners of the world because this is such a delicate ecosystem and pouring 150,000 gallons of light oil into the Amazon River isn’t really acceptable. We are going to be shut down for 5 days before they can repair the line and so we are making maintenance on all those things that needed doing over the last 3 months and we couldn’t shutdown to do. At least I don’t have to rescue any butterflies as the cooling fans are also shut off and not trapping anything but I did find a poor little bat that looked like it had been attacked by something and had a torn wing and a gaping hole in its shoulder, perhaps a snake or perhaps an owl or even the bat eating bat, that one has a snout like a wolf and lots of pointy teeth, far more fierce looking than the vampire bat.

Here is ghost bat eating a mouse



This is a carnivourous Flase Vampire with a long snout and many teeth, they actually home in on other bats echo location so dont have to give away their own location, a bit like a drunken man on a search for an indian curry on the way home.

How Men and Women Are Different

New Store Opens in New York Selling Husbands

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Wow! ," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Male and Female Perfect Ideal Day (Humour)

Just for amusement

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh in 2 pounds lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissantsopen presents - expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner

9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil

10:00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe

12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17 pounds

1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit

3:00 Nap

4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer

4:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong, butgentle hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body

5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade beforefull length mirror

7:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with complimentsreceived from other diners/dancers

10:00 Hot shower (alone)

10:50 Carried to bed . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white 1000-thread count linen sheets)

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM

6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blow job

6:30 Massive satisfying shit while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot,

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several beers en-route to airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet

9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)

9:45 Play front nine - 2 under

11:45 Lunch: steak and lobster, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon

12:15 Blow job

12:30 Play back nine - 4 under

2:15 Limo back to the airport (several bourbons)

2:30 Fly to Bahamas

3:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all naked, who also bend over a lot


4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle

5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bendingover, naturally).

6:45 Shit, Shower and Shave

7:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated

7:30 Dinner: lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy filletsteak followed by an Ice-cream sundae served on a naked girl

9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar as you watch football game on awall-size TV

9:30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies... some bending over)

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer

11:30 A night cap blow job

11:45 In bed alone

11:50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog toleave the room

11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep.

That Prison Feeling Again

Today I have 18 days left to endure in this wonderfully green but lifeless spot on the planet. How can they expect anyone to suffer this misery endlessly without wanting to throw yourself in the piranha infested river after 6 months? I have even been given my marching orders and this is my last rotation and I felt some relief for that for about the first 7 days, while I was telling all and sundry that I was hopefully going to Qatar, but that isn’t certain. I had many requests from many sources asking me to take their CV with me and show it around so they can leave this beautiful green prison cell. I did make my requirements specific to my boss, I need a city with normal life so I can take my wife and lead something of a normal life for a year or two. Again he has no input into this but we will see what shite I get given. I have only one complaint about the customer and that is nothing ever gets done ever here. I made several requests for improvements and nothing happened. I give them very good information and nothing is done, they seem to be happy with the crap they are trying to run and still suffer the problems of million dollar shutdowns. I don’t care really but I find it deflating to see them not taking anything too seriously. I am hoping that I get installation and commissioning then I don’t have much contact with the end user, they really have different views of the world from the engineers who build the plant for them. As an exercise yesterday I applied to about 15 agencies who supply engineers to construction projects and companies that only like contract guys. This is something I do from time to time just to see how valuable I am, to be honest I have never had an offer from one of them so that proves the point that the end user perhaps also thinks I am shite to and I should not be listened to. So here endeth the lesson don’t ask questions if you don’t like the answer.

Microsoft Origami Project

I am a little bit of a techno freak, the only problem is i am so goddam cheap, i would love to just throw money about on little electronic things but it breaks my heart to do so, but i still love it when something ingteresting comes out, I bought an mp3 player about 4 years ago well before those silly I-Pods got all famous and trendy, mine is for the illegal type of digital music , you know, copied from the internet or from other peoples CD's, i did buy CD's a long time ago but they were expensive and got scratched and broken so i didnt like them. Anyhow i love techno stuff and now there is something bouncing around that i like and would buy if it was about $30 but again i am cheap and i would hate to pay for it myself, all my digital stuff is done on a company laptop and i like them paying for it but the pics of the new interesting pocket(mmmmm) device from microsoft seems really quite interesting,




it is supposed to have tablet type operability, writing with a stylus to you and me, Wi-Fi, GPS, 3G Phone capability and all for $800, i dont for one minute believe that you would get all that for such a smallish amount, more like $1500,but it would be a nice idea.





It looks almost small enough to fit in your big mans paocket but not quite. I did find one wonderful reference to the marketing of a device by microsoft, it is a parody of Microsofts attempt at marketing the I-pod and it is so real that it is unreal if you know what i mean, it is quite a funny video from google, it made me chuckle a little bit so if it relieved me of boredom for 2.553 minutes then it may also take your mind of the miserable existance you may be leading for that amount of time also, enjoy
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4313772690011721857&q=microsoft+ipod

Gambling on houses

Life is a series of calculated risks that we all take during our daily lives, crossing the street and drinking too much beer and eating from strange kebab and burger joints, these are all risks we don’t even think about. Some of the more obvious risks are like shall I move job and shall I steal this HDD for my home computer, again we deal with these on a rational basis normally but I have taken a risk that is a gamble and on a rather large scale for me. I am not a gambler and never take risks but over the last few years I have made some nice money on property and if you have read my Blog I have just bought a nice house in a nice condo in San Jose and I haven’t even paid for it all yet and I am hoping to move in sometime in July. But my wife was reading the local paper that has all the small adds and she saw a house for sale in our condo and quite normally she was intrigued with it to see which house was for sale. Upon telephoning the number it turned out to be the house next door and for a sum of $17,000 less than I paid for mine, this got me thinking, we rang out realtor if he knew anything about it and he said no but he said he would find out. He rang back pretty quickly and told us the buyers had started divorce proceedings before they had even moved in and had handed the keys back to the builder who wanted to sell it pretty quickly. I told Jenny to offer $115,000 to see if we could get a bargain and the realtor rang again for us and said we could have it for $120,000 plus $5000 for him. I was shocked as it was us who had given him the information and he was wanting about 4% commission, I said to Jenny “Tell him to go and screw himself”. Jenny was of the same mind and she started ringing round to find out who was the seller and found the builders name in the phone book and got to speak to the saleguy and offered him the same $120,00 and he agreed. I was so happy but the main thing is how the hell am I going to pay for it. We had to pay a $5000 deposit and we have to pay at the end of April to get it, this gives me 8 weeks to raise the money, I have about $50,000 in cash and that means I have to find $70,000. I am trying to sell my house in Spain and the UK but I think the timetable for both events are going to far too long to make the deadline, I am going to have to borrow money from the bank for the house and maybe even ask my sister to lend me some money but think this gamble has the chance to make some good money over the next 2-4 years. I did offer it around to some buddies but all declined, I can’t blame them it is out of the way and in a strange neck of the woods but I just had to buy it for my own satisfaction and we managed to avoid paying any money to the Realtor, I was laughing about that one, he made enough out of me on the first house, I told my sister that I would keep buying all the houses in the condo as there are 6 in total and call it Lowe Villas, that title is a bit too grand.